I just tell her, mom’s in heaven’
MANILA, Philippines—In the past year, life for him has been a daily ordeal of “what if” and “what could have been.”
“I cannot really say that I have moved on. Every night I regret what happened,” said Carlo Cruz, whose wife Leslie died in the explosion last year at the Glorietta 2 mall in Makati City.
“I keep thinking that if that [explosion] had not happened, we would be in Canada now. Leslie would be cooking breakfast. We would be one happy family who spends weekends in the park.”
But then reality hits him, said Cruz, 32. And the knowledge that he should move forward becomes a resolve made strong by his commitment to raise their daughter Amber well.
Amber is now 3 years old. Her father calls her “Leslie Junior.”
“She is very girly-girl, like her mom,” Cruz said, confiding with a relieved laugh that he had worried that she might grow up a tomboy with only him around.
With pictures of Leslie dotting the family home in Quezon City, Amber has asked about her mother at least thrice, Cruz said. “I just tell her, ‘Mom’s in heaven. She’s watching over us.’”
He said he and Amber used to visit Leslie’s grave at the Loyola Memorial Parks in Marikina City every Sunday but that he had limited those visits to once or twice a month.
“I want Amber to realize on her own that her mom’s around and what’s in her grave are just [the physical remains]. Although when I go there, I still talk to Leslie,” he said.
“I’m still trying to have faith that Leslie is happy where she is.”
‘Cherish each moment’
Days after Oct. 19, 2007, Cruz wrote a widely read e-mail about what transpired before and after the tragedy that took Leslie’s life.
He wrote how he regretted having parked where he did, not having arranged to meet with Leslie sooner, and not having “braved the dust” to get to the explosion site.
He urged other couples to “cherish each moment that we spend with our loved ones.”
Now, talking with the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Cruz said he still could not find sense in the tragedy: “I still wish that this thing hadn’t happened.”
He said his in-laws were themselves barely moving on but were coping by recalling happy memories of Leslie, the youngest of three siblings and a “daddy’s girl.”
Amber’s resemblance to Leslie as a girl has helped them, Cruz said.
And his in-laws’ home in Valenzuela City is also filled with pictures of Leslie, the better for them to remember her and feel her presence.
No updates
Asked if he would pursue charges against those responsible for the explosion, Cruz said he had yet to receive updates about the court case.
He said the last he had heard was the recommendation of a Department of Justice panel to file charges of reckless imprudence resulting in homicide and multiple physical injuries against eight officers and staff members of Makati Supermarket Corp. and two private firms conducting repair work in the area.
“Though we have a flawed judicial process, the case still underwent due process. That’s the ruling; I guess things worked out the way they should,” he said.
Cruz said he had not heard from the mall owners since the start of the year, nor had he tried to communicate with them.
He said he had received support from the Ayala family for funeral expenses as well as for psychological therapy.
But he stressed: “I have to put that away in my life and move on.”
What Cruz wants from the Ayalas now is information on their plans for the anniversary of the explosion. “Will they celebrate a Mass for the victims? Will they build a memorial for them?” he said.
‘Even small steps’
The families of the other victims have also stopped communicating with him, Cruz said.
“I guess everybody wants to move on with their lives. Stepping forward, to try even small steps, would be better, although I do not think anybody can really move on,” he said.
Once, Cruz recalled, he needed to go to Glorietta 2 to buy office supplies.
“I had to numb myself,” he said.
He described the experience as “difficult,” and said he could not stand staying in the mall for long because of the memories.
“That was where Leslie and I watched our first movie together, had our first date and other dates,” he said. “We stayed there a lot because it was the mall closest to where we used to work.”
Cruz said he had heard that the Volunteers Against Crime and Corruption was preparing to hold a rally on Oct. 19 to mark the tragedy and press for justice.
He said he was not planning to join the activity: “I’m not really a big fan of these things. I want to focus on Leslie, on what we had. I mean, I have better things to do. There’s Amber. Amber’s the remnant of Leslie.”
Cruz expressed surprise at how fast time had passed, and said he felt that the tragedy had just happened yesterday.
“If I survived a year, maybe I can survive a decade,” he said, adding that Leslie would remain an angel watching over him and Amber.
